Previously: Sideways Sun got shot; Sideways Locke got run over; Zombie Sayid uncovered a secret; and NotLocke pushed said secret down a well. Also, I went out of town for a few days, and everyone who found out that I write about Lost wanted my opinion on what the hell is going on. I explained that I haven't the faintest idea. I'm just along for the ride.

Fittingly, I haven't the faintest idea what this episode means. Not that this will stop me from recapping it, because I love you THAT MUCH.

Island Timeline

At Camp NotLocke, NotLocke wants to have a little catch-up chat with Jack. They go off, and Jack asks a bunch of audience-surrogate questions: Why Locke? Because his belief in the island got him killed, and you were nice enough to bring his body back. He had to be dead before you took his form? Yep. Hey, were you my dead father that led me to the water? You got it. Why? You needed water, and I've only ever been interested in helping you leave; and now, with Jacob dead, you can fly off. Jack is a little grumpy: Locke believed in this place, and did everything to stop us from leaving it. Exasperated, NotLocke explains that John Locke wasn't a believer. He was a sucker. Their catch-up is interrupted by Claire, who has done a very bad job of following them. They have a little awkward sibling catch-up. Claire is glad that Jack's coming with them. Jack demurs that he hasn't decided, but Claire says he did, the moment he let NotLocke talk to him, just like everyone. "Whether you like it or not, you're with him now," she says, all smugly crazy.

Back at Camp NotLocke, Sawyer fills in Hurley on Widmore's sub, which the can use to get us off the island. (Sawyer mentions that Kate is explaining it to Sun -- but since that would take so long, with Sun writing her part of the conversation and Kate trying to read, it's mercifully happening in the backgorund.) Hurley inquires as to whether they're bringing Sayid. "He's gone back to the dark side," Sawyer grumbles. Hurley points out that you can bring people back from the dark side, but the Anakin reference goes over Sawyer's highlighted head.

While Jack and Kate compare notes, NotLocke and his walking stick return to camp. Right after, they're joined by Zoe, who, despite all the guns pointed at her, wants to see the man in charge. See, the man in charge took something from them, and they want it back. Locke plays innocent. Zoe has her friends on the other end of a radio show off their firepower by making something near the camp go boom, freaking out everyone except NotLocke. She hands NotLocke the radio and tells them he has until nightfall to call for her team to "pick him up". She leaves, and NotLocke smashes the radio, as you knew he would.

NotLocke gathers the campers. Claire asks Hurley what's going on. "People trying to kill us again," he shrugs. NotLocke announces that they're all going to the other island. He pulls Sawyer aside, hands him a map, and instructs Sawyer to get the boat moored downshore and meet everyone up by some bluff. Sawyer taps Kate to go with him. In turn, Sawyer pulls Jack aside and tells him that they have a separate deal with Widmore. Jack is to get Hurley, Sun and Frank and meet him and Kate at the old dock. Jack inquires as to whether Sayid and Claire will be included. "Sayid's a zombie and Claire's nuts," Sawyer explains, plainly. He adds that Claire lost her chance when she tried to kill Kate. Wait, I thought Sawyer said Claire was crazy. Trying to kill Kate seems like a pretty sane move to me.

NotLocke asks Sayid to go to the well and kill Demond. When Sayid hesitates, NotLocke dangles the carrot of doing what Sayid asked him for. The well it is, then. Desmond is patiently sitting in some muddy water at the bottom. (No donkey wheel in sight, before you ask.) He notes Sayid's gun and asks what Locke offered him in return for shooting him. "He told me I could get back something I lost." Which was? "The woman I love." Who is? "Dead." And he thinks NotLocke can bring her back because? "I died, and NotLocke brought me back." So what will you tell the woman you love when she asks what you did to be with her again? Stare blankly into a well, apparently.

At the beach, Sawyer fills Kate in in the plan: They're going to meet up with Jack, Hurley, Sun and "that pilot who looks like he stepped off the set of a Burt Reynolds movie." No, Kate, Claire's not invited; any promises were made before Claire started to drink the NotLocke Kool-Aid, and, really, does she want that around Aaron? Kate follows Sawyer to the boat, as you knew she would.

As NotLocke leads his NotFlock to shore, Jack and Claire continue catching up. Jack asks her how long she's been with NotLocke. "Ever since you leaft." So you trust him? "Yeah." Why? "He's the only one that didn't abandon me." And also because she's crazy. Meanwhile, NotLocke drops back to where Sun is and asks if she's seen Sayid, and p.s., what's with the silent treatment? Sun scribbles that he did this to her. NotLocke deinies that he did anything to her. RIght, because it was all the tree's fault. NotLocke goes off to look for Sayid, so Jack takes the opportunity to gather Hurley, Sun and Frank and tell them that they're going to meet Sawyer. Claire watches them go, her eyes narrowed. Or maybe she's just trying to see through that rat's nest of a wig.

NotLocke finds Sayid, who reports that he did as NotLocke asked. So why did it take so long? "I just shot an unarmed man. I needed a moment." That's one sensitive zombie. Did you kill him? "Of course I did. Go and check if you like." NotLocke is more concerned with getting Sayid to the boat. You guys? I don't think Sayid killed Desmond.

Jack and his pack meet up with Sawyer at the boat. Sawyer exposits that you can only get off the island via sub, so that's what they're going to do. They're interrupted by Claire and a gun. Kate, over Jack's concern and Sawyer's objection, gently invites Claire to leave with them, so Kate can reunite her with Aaron. Claire ponders and agrees, but warns that if NotLocke finds out that they're all gone, he's going to be mad. Ya think?

The boat (the Elizabeth, but you knew that) sails on. After catching up on Sawyer's plan, Frank leads Sun, Claire and Hurley in a raid on the below-decksfood supply. Sawyer takes the opportunity to chat with Jack. Jacksays it doesn't feel right, leaving the island. If NotLocke wants them to leave, maybe it's afraid of what would happen if they stay. Sawyer growls that Jack can stay with them and keep quiet, or jump off his damn boat. "The island's not done with us yet," Jack intones, as you knew he would. "I'm done with this island," Sawyer shoots back. "If you want to take a leap of faith, take it." So, with a glance at Kate and an apology to Sawyer for getting Juliet killed, Jack jumps. Kate wants to go back and get him, but Sawyer says they're done going back.

Sawyer and company walk onto the Hydra beach, where they're greeted by Zoe and a lot of gun-toting extras. Zoe doesn't seem threatened by Sawyer, though she does want everyone to drop their weapons. While Zoe checks in on the radio, Jin wanders by. He and Sun spot each other. They run to each other and hug and kiss and swear (in Enlighs) that they'll never be apart again, and it's all so sweet and their friends are all so happy for them that you just know this can't end well. Zoe finishes her conversation and yells at the newcomers to get down on their knees. They comply, as does Jin, who's not leaving Sun's side. "We had a deal!" Sawyer protests. Deal's off, obviously. Zoe tells the person on the other end of the radio to get a line on locke and fire when ready.

On the main island beach, NotLocke intercepts Jack and surmises that Sawyer took his boat. They're interrupted by a bomb, or rocket, or whatever Widmore's people send that goes boom. Jack's thrown, but alive. NotLocke scoops him up and carries him to a tree. "Don't worry, it's going to be okay," NotLocke soothes. "You're with me now."

That Sideways Timeline

Ben rides in the ambulance with Locke, explaining to the paramedic that he was already a parapalegic. He can't tell him much else, though. Locke manages to mumble that they should contact Helen, whom he was going to marry, and that his first name is John. They wheel Locke out of the ambulance just as the gunshot Sun arrives. She looks over, sees Locke, and promptly freaks out to Jin. "It's him!"

At the police station, Sideways Sawyer (who's not Sawyer here, but whatever) hangs out with arrested Kate, who insists she didn't commit that murder that the feds are coming to pick her up for. Sawyer muses that it's weird: They were on the same flight, then the same elevator, then of all the cars in all of L.A., she smashed into his. She asks why Sawyer didn't arrest her at LAX, when she was clearly wearing handcuffs, and surmises that he doesn't want someone knowing that he was in Australia. They smile at each other, and are probably only stopped from tearing each other's clothes off by Miles pulling Sawyer over to look at the footage of the guy leaving the scene of the multiple homicide at which the Korean woman was shot. The guy is Sayid, of course.

Sayid rushes back to Nadia's house and starts packing. He tells her that he's leaving and can't come back, but he took care of her problem. She tries to get to the bottom of what's going on, but they're interrupted by the arrival of Officer Miles, who needs to ask a few questions. When Nadia lets Miles in, Sayid is nowhere to be seen, though his open suitcase is. Sayid slips out the back and promptly gets himself arrested by Sawyer. Now, that's teamwork.

Claire enters a office building lobby and signs in for her appointment with a adoption agency. Desmond just so happens to be there. He claims to recognize Claire from the baggage claim, properly introduces himself and gets Claire's name from the sign-in sheet. She tells Desmond that he was right: She's having a boy. Desmond offers to hook her up with a lawyer to represent her on the adoption contract -- adoption contracts are complicated, you know, and Claire could find herself in an irreversable situation. Oh, Desmond, haven't you been watching this season? Nothing's irreversible. Anwyay, Desmond is going to meet up with a lawyer right now; he thinks the lawyer could really help her, and it won't cost Claire a cent. Now, dear reader, stop and think for a moment: If some guy you'd met for 30 seconds came up to you and was weirdly insistent on you coming with him to see this lawyer -- whose office just so happens to be situated on the very same 15th floor you're going to -- would you go with him? Yeah, me either. Claire, however? Goes.

As it turns out, the lawyer Desmond's meeting is Ilana. And as it further turns out, she's been looking for Claire.

Meanwhile, Jack and son are signing in downstairs. Through their conversation and a phone call between Jack and David's mother, we learn that they're going to hear Jack's father's will read. Neither of them seems particularly broken up about it. They head into Ilana's office (of course), where she has a little surprise for them. "Do you believe in fate?" Ilana asks, and introduces Jack and David to Claire. Jack asks why she's in his father's will. "He was my father, too," Claire explains. As Jack tries to aborb this, he gets a call from the hospital. Though it's not a good time, he's needed to handle an emergency. The emergency turns out to be John Locke, and Jack's been summoned because the surgical team working on Locke is in a bit over their heads. Jack sees his patient's face and stops short. He thinks he knows this guy.

Sun and the baby are fine, in case you were wondering.

Okay, so: Lots of answers this week. Are the answerers dependable? Hell if I know. I'm just along for the ride.

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