OK, you guys? I have no idea what to write about this new "Lost" episode. There was some awesome stuff, and some stupid stuff, and some stupid stuff that may turn out to be awesome, but probably won't. There was some boring stuff, and some stuff that needed screen-capturing. It was, in short, an episode of "Lost".

Island Timeline

Acting on Jacob's instructions, which he's scribbled on his arm, Hurley leads Jack on an old-school, fan-pleasing super-secret trek out of the temple and through the jungle. Jack's only along because Jacob got Hurley to tell Jack that he has "what it takes". (There are lots of choice Hurley lines; if you care about those, check your DVR, 'cause as amusing as they are, they're a bitch to transcribe.) Main rest stop is the caves they stayed in for a little while, where they come across Shannon's inhaler, the "Adam and Eve" skeletons (Hurley wonders if the skeletons are them - very wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey), and Jack's father's coffin (which he found after chasing the ghost -- or whatever -- of his father, then smashed 'cause his father wasn't in it). They compare notes on why they came back: Hurley because Jacob jumped into a cab and told him to; Jack because he was broken and thought the place could fix him. By the way, Jack has serious never-good-enough-for-Daddy issues. You remember that, right? Just checking.

Finally, they reach a lovely spot overlooking the ocean, and there's a darling old lighthouse -- think the Alexandria lighthouse, one of the wonders of the ancient world, more than the one from the late, occasionally great Guiding Light. They climb up to the top, where there's the expected mirrors and big ol' wheel. While Jack whines about wanting to talk to Jacob, pronto, Hurley consults the notes on his arms and starts pulling the chain that turns the mirrors, asking Jack to tell him when it gets to 108 degrees (natch). Jack is more focused on the mirrors, in which he sees fleeting glimpses of a church steeple and structure that looks a lot like the pagoda where Jin and Sun got married -- things which are definitely not in the ocean. And then he looks down at the wheel, and there's a name scrawled next to each number. Most are crossed out. Next to 23: Shephard, written in a bold hand that looks more like the writing in that cave Smokey showed us last week than the other names. Since it's All About Jack, he shoves Hurley aside and turns the mirror to 23. He sees the house he grew up in and concludes that Jacob's been watching them all the whole time. When Jacob fails to appear to answer all Jack's questions (like: Why?), Jack smashes the mirrors.

Afterwards, while Jack's brooding, Jacob pops up and asks Hurley how it went. Hurley snits that if Jacob had told him why they were going, Jack wouldn't have done the smashy-smashy -- "Jack broke your lighthouse! Mission unaccomplished!" -- and whoever's coming is totally screwed. Jacob shrugs that they'll find another way. It dawns on Hurley that perhaps Jacob wanted Jack to see what was in the mirror, which Jacob seems to confirm: It was the only way for him to understand how important he is. (Oh! So the lighthouse is the Total Perspective Vortex! Got it.) Anyway, he had to get Hurley and Jack as far away from the temple as possible -- someone bad is coming, and it's too late to warn the temple-dwellers.

(Before you ask: Screen caps show that the name next to 108 was "Wallace." Also, Kate is number 51.)

Elsewhere on the island, Claire is crazy. Survivalist, paranoid, bad-wigged, plaid-rocking, gun- and axe-toting, weird animally thing in her baby's cradle, bat-guano kee-razy. So that's what it takes to make her interesting! She frees Jin from the trap and takes him to her hut, where she also drags Justin, the Other she didn't kill. She ties him up so she can interrogate him, but first she has to go get supplies or something, because "If there's one thing that will kill you around here, it's infection." Ya think? Justin warns Jin that Claire's going to kill them, because: crazy. Claire returns to clean and close Jin's wound, and then menaces Justin with the axe, demanding to know where they have Aaron. Justin insists that they don't have him and never did. Claire knows he's lying, because first her father told her so, and then her friend did. Also, the Others captured her and stuck her with needles and branded her, so they must be up to some no good. Claire's going even crazier with wanting to know where Aaron is, so Jin finally breaks in and says Justin's telling the truth -- Kate took Aaron with her. Justin asks Claire to untie him, and he'll never tell anyone he saw her. Claire frets, paces, and finally drives the axe into Justin's abdomen. Because: kee-razy. In some weird act of self-preservation, Jin tells Claire he was lying -- the Others do have her baby, in the temple, and he'll take her there. Claire is glad to know Jin was lying, because if Kate was raising Aaron, Claire would klll her.

Also, Claire's friend looks an awful lot like Locke.

Other Timeline

In this timeline, Jack has an apartment with a killer view, an appendectomy scar he can't quite remember getting, and a sullen teenage son. Sullen teenage son's name is David. We're given to understand that David spends most of his time with his mother; that he is a Red Sox fan; and that Jack feels disconnected from him. David is reading Martin Gardner's "The Annotated Alice," which puts a whole 'nother layer on top of a few "Alice in Wonderland" shout-outs, though this layer is not addressed.

While they're searching Christian's office for his will, Jack discusses his parenting problem with his mother (after he turns down a drink, which, judging from his mother's reaction, is an anomaly in this timeline, too). She reminds Jack that he was terrified of his own father, so maybe David's terrified of him. She finally finds the will, starts reading, and asks Jack if he's ever mentioned a Claire Littleton.

Jack returns home with pizza, but David isn't there. When he can't reach his son on the phone, Jack decides to try the kid's mother's house, even though she's out of town, so we conveniently won't see her. She has a key hidden under a John Tenniel-esque rabbit sculpture, which is both cool and stupid. David's not there, either. Jack searches his room, where sheet music for Chopin's "Fantasie Impromptu" is lying on the desk, across the room from a Chopin poster. (I am told that "Fantasie Impromptu" is what Daniel Faraday was playing when his mother told him to stop wasting time playing music. This may or may not be important. I kind of hope it isn't, but that's a long story.) From listening to David's answering machine, Jack learns that he's auditioning for a music conservatory in, like, ten minutes. He also hears his own voice from Sydney, hoping to hear David's voice, telling his son he loves him. So of course he books it to the audition, where of course David is playing beautifully. A kid tells Jack David is really good. The kid's father -- who appears to be Dogen -- says he has a gift.

Jack intercepts David outside and compliments him on his performance. Jack didn't know that David was still playing. David made his mother promise not to tell, because Jack always used to make such a big deal out of it. And he didn't tell Jack he was auditioning for the conservatory because he didn't want Jack to see him fail. Jack looks sad, explains that when he was a kid, his father didn't want to see him fail -- which Christian was pretty sure he would, because he kept saying Jack just didn't have "what it takes". Jack doesn't want David to ever feel that way, emphasizes that he loves David no matter what, and drives them home to eat pizza. Where, one assumes, they will be happy, until the next episode in which Jack looks in another mirror and sees another wound he can't remmeber getting.

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